lørdag 23. januar 2010

Kvltness for Dummies - vol 1

Short test here to test your kvltness. Fail me, and you shall suffer the consequences (i.e. a crossbow bolt up your rectum).

1. Which of these bands are kvlt?

Is it: A?

Or is it: B?

2. What is the correct (And kvlt) way to pose on a black metal photo?

Is it: A?

Or is it: B?

3. Who's the kvltist?

Is it: A?

Or is it: B?

Until next time, Keep it kvlt!

Yours cruelly, N.S.

søndag 10. januar 2010

One Night in Blashyrkh

Norwegian black metal band Immortal began their European tour in their hometown of Bergen this saturday, and me and my fellow kvltists were there. Now, Immortal may not be the kvltest of bands, but sodomize my earhole, they sure know how to put on a great show!

The concert was not free of travesties, however. Upon majestically making our entrance, we were horrified to gaze upon the crowd. Skinheads (And not in the grim nazi way), straight-edgers, snobs and generally inferior scum! People wearing coloured clothings, short hair, Dimmu Borgir shirts! At one point I even thought I spotted a jew somewhere amongst the crowd! Is this what it's come to? Mainstream faggots who care nothing for kvultist values attending black metal concerts, thinking they're "rad"? Has black metal really become this accessible? First Keep of Kalessin whoring themselves on international television, and now this? I swear to Satan, I had to punch at least five "metalheads" during the first hour of the show! The worst guy we saw was this hipster wearing a hip-hop beanie (Is that the word?), and a white shirt that looked like it has cost him at least a 1500 NOK! Don't worry, though, we naturally beat him up after the concert and left him to bleed his AIDS infected blood in the snow.

Furthermore, I have never seen such a sad display of sheep-mentality at a concert before. Pathetic, faggot fanboys headbanging away in desperate hope of sucking Abbath's cock! That's what headbanging is, you know, nothing but deep throat practice! Grind my horn! It looked like a fucking convention for nymphomatic spastics! I didn't even know that brain-cripples were allowed to stay out this late. shouldn't they be spoon-fed cum juice in some asylum? At least we were able to to relieve ourselves of a little aggression that night by beating some of them senseless.

Another thing that really annoyed me, were all the orca-fat retards moving back and forward all the time. What the fuck gos through the minds of these inbred cockjugglers? Gigantic, fat mongoloids attempting to make their way to the front by going through yours truly! Sorry to say that none of them succeeded. Some of them even had the audacity to act insulted after I knocked them to the ground! Why do they want to get to the far front so desperately? Are they hoping that Abbath will bestow his cum on them if they cheer loudly enough?
Furthermore, when they get to the front, why can't they stay there, in stead of moving back and forth, so that I do not have to violently assault them every time they try to pass through me? With such steep prices on ale that night, you'd think bladder control wouldn't be that much of a problem.

Still, the concert was a success. The band unleashed a holocaust to my satisfaction. It became clear that the band was trying to gas the audience to death at some point, as a lot of people developed breathing problems and had to step outside. Kvlt as I am, their Zyklon B did not affect me the slightest.

So all in all, a very good concert. But the useless, pathetic, watered out and unkvlt crowd really vexed me. Next time I'll organize a lynch mob if the crowd does not get their kvltness together, and execute the lot of them.
Hanged, drawn and quartered!

Until next time, please kill someone.

Yours cruelly, N.S.

fredag 8. januar 2010

Treachery Knows No Bounds

Most of you should know by now, that Norwegian band Keep of Kalessin will be competing in the Eurovision contest. Reactions have been mixed, to say the least. Some consider this a gross sell-out, while others think that true musicians do what ever they want, regardless of reations.
Here's my humble opinion on the matter:


On my kvlt scale, this is about as kvlt as taking your grandmother to church, and then have sunday dinner with her afterwards! Keep of Kalessin have never scored high on the kvltness in my book, but this is fucking pathetic! While tr00 bands record masterful and kvlt black metal in their grandparents' basements, and only distribute their music through deaththreats, these studio-whores go on international televiosion (Even there, it gets unkvlt) to spread the watered out cum-juice they call music! Real bands molest goats in the woods, they don't go on international song contests like some fucking retarded Ten Sing group!

What ever happened to the old days? When bands lived in complete solitude in the woods, and produced raw and perverse music, worshipped satan, raped animals, killed homosexuals and committed suicide? Nowadays bands lead urban lifestyles, co-exist with their environment, respects others' opinions, produce mindless, soulless (And not in the good way) "metal", donate money to charities and apperantly, competes in Euro-fucking-vision! I find their lack of kvltness disturbing.

They would rather play polished, boring, weakling fag metal at an event that is is clearly held only as a means to placate the jews, than to play evil, blasphemous and sodomizing black metal in the dark underground! Fine. They can have their little zionist get-together. If they do not wish to even attempt to earn their place in the Kvlt, then who are we to stop them? Then again, if anyone wishes to sodomize their pets or sometething like that, I'm all for it.

The lack of kvltness and grimness in today's music infuriates me, as I'm sure it infuriates you acolytes as well.
There are still tr00 kvlt bands out there, though. And I assure you, that my own band will never forsake its kvltist principles!

Until next time, listen to some truly kvlt black metal, and let it skullfuck you all the way to Transilvania!

Yours cruelly, N.S.

søndag 3. januar 2010

The Purpose

Greetings, wenches and mongrels! Thought I'd explain the purpose of this (ultra) kvlt weblog. It's quite simple, really. I am here to teach you how to be kvlt!

You may be thinking to yourself "But... I'm kvlt enough, surely?".
Oh really? You probably still use a regular fork and knife to eat your dinner, don't you? You're probably still listening to untr00 bands, aren't you? You're probably drinking a fucking Red Bull as you're reading this aren't you!? Well, guess what? You're not kvlt. You're not even sub-kvlt!

But it's alright. If i possesesed the power of forgiveness, I would forgive you right now. Because I am here to show you the way. The way of the kvltist.
By following this weblog, you will eventually know kvltness in your black and misanthropic heart.

- You will listen to the right bands.
- You will be mean to animals.
- You will only eat food that has been kvlt-approved.
- You will reject happiness, and accept grimness into your (black and
- misanthropic) heart
- You will wear the right clothes.
- You will not get along with your parents.
- You will learn which groups and organizations to affiliate yourself with.
- You will learn the correct way to scowl.
- You will learn the correct procedure of grave desecration.

These are just some of the things that I will teach you in this weblog! Follow my teachings, and you will soon find yourself on the path towards tr00 kvltness. it will not be an easy journey. But it will be worthwhile.

Until next time:

I hate you all.

Yours cruelly, N.S.